Fall is a Blur--Is It Over Yet?

I know there are still several weeks, even months, of fall left. But when Brian's only going to be home in time for Thanksgiving and then Christmas, it seems my favorite season is all accounted for, and in some ways, all over, since he left today for nearly a month.

It's kind of ironic that I'm all but wishing fall away this year, since I usually feel it passes too quickly. Some of my favorite things about fall are the warm days and cool nights, leaves as beautiful as a vibrant sunset, the smell and sounds of dried leaves under my feet as I enjoy being outdoors, a resurgence of apple and pumpkin foods, and the string of October and November birthdays that makes the season even more nostalgic for my family.

Of course life goes on when Brian's not here. Even some fun things, for the girls and for me. For example, we have 4 friends' birthday parties to go to in the next 3 weekends. Then there's Sydney's birthday, Halloween and trick or treating, my birthday, and Miranda's birthday. And I definitely enjoy spending my evenings reading a book or watching my favorite "chick show" (Brothers and Sisters on DVD, thanks Kathleen for getting me hooked!) But fall to me is just not living up to its potential when we're not getting out with the whole family for some outside fun, to make our own family traditions, especially now that both girls are more cooperative for outings.

Well, there's hope for us this weekend, since Nana and Aunt Laura are coming to visit (to celebrate their October birthdays!) As long as it doesn't literally rain on our figurative parade, we'll go to the pumpkin patch for hayrides, a petting zoo, and bouncey houses. No need for pumpkins though, I already have a couple--literally and figuratively.

First Days of School

Yes, I'm a little late to be posting about the first days of school (Sept 9 for Sydney, Sept 14 for Miranda). But we've been a little busy getting used to our new schedules and fitting in a few fun things that are new to us in the area. Not to mention the usual fights at nap time, which is my usual blogging time, along with unusually bad colds. Makes for some cranky kids and frankly, a cranky mom. But the good news is, Sydney and Miranda are both enjoying their new school, which is always a relief! Although besides a few details of her day, all I can get out of Sydney about her classmates so far, is that she plays with "two Jacks" in her class.

Here's the picture she drew on the first day of school. I thought it was awesome that she created a whole scene that went well together: sun, rain clouds, grass, flower. (I am ignoring the enormity of the flower, of course.) But I am so proud of her for attempting to write her name in freehand for the first time ever, instead of waiting for me to write it so she can trace it!

This is my favorite time of year, even before I had kids in school. So I'm hoping I'll be able to share some fun adventures with the girls even though Brian will be gone an awful lot, even missing all three of our birthdays. It's hard planning around his schedule, but we've managed to arrange some fun things to look forward to. Grammy and Grampy are coming from the Boston area to visit our home this week for the first time in more than 3 years. Then Nana's retiring at the end of this week and she and Grandpa will be able to visit more often, and they'll join us for an early birthday party for Sydney in 2 weeks.


And then there'll be a requisite fall trip to a pumpkin patch (and an apple orchard, per Sydney's request, if there is such a thing in this part of the country...although I don't think so...) And how about the annual VA wine festival in Norfolk, anyone?

Three Down...

Well, Brian's coming back from his third underway very soon. So far so good, although I know the Nassau will be stepping it up soon in terms of frequency and duration of the times at sea. We definitely miss him while he's gone, but I've also gotten the feeling I can swing it, especially now that preschool is starting next week.

Speaking of which, Sydney is nearly done being 3, but will still be in the 3-year-old class, 5 days a week due to her October birthday. I went to Parents' Night last night, and I've got to say Yokosuka Co-Op Preschool will be a tough act to follow. The girls' new preschool (Miranda will go one day a week) is supposed to be one of the better ones in the area by reputation. The teachers are very experienced and I know the girls will love it there. But having a comparison now, I really appreciate our Yokosuka experience--mainly in terms of the smaller intimate size of the school, great resources, and excellent communication.

Probably in part because I'm new to the school and relatively new to the area, I have felt a little in the dark. I feel somewhat better after receiving information at the Parents' Night. But to be honest, in new uncertain situations, I know me, and I sometimes tend to sit back, make my observations, assume some things for the worst, but hope I'm wrong.

So, I started sizing up some things during the Open House today. I was on a roll with mainly good or neutral observations. We were the first to arrive. Of course, Sydney impressed her teachers--using her good manners, recognizing her written name, and stunning them with her art (which they don't know, but has improved immensely over the past year). Some other observations: most of the kids in Sydney's class are boys, 7 out of 12 kids. And three out of a class of 12 kids have the name Jack, interestingly enough.

Then I couldn't help but notice one mom of a little boy (wearing that old-fashioned, or what I call "new country-club" wear, whose blond hair happened to be longer than any of the girls in the class). This mom arrived late decked out in a fancy pant suit and then monopolized the teacher with what I assume was a balanced mix of pride and flattery, interspersed with, "we like to do the Thomas the Train Edible Arrangement platters of fruit," when talking about what her snack contribution will be. OVER THE TOP, no?

I don't want to be like that. In fact, I can't help but put myself in the teachers' shoes and it almost makes me feel embarrassment on behalf of this mom. But...there's still this overwhelming sense of competition that people like that arise in me. It's part insecurity, in all honesty. But the other more productive part is wanting to be ambitious enough on behalf of my child--to advocate for her--so she will be recognized and get the attention she deserves.

Well, I only have "three down"--this is only preschool and the beginning of a long haul of wanting the best education for my children. I realize I will always have to stifle my insecurities and just be my plain, yet hopefully down-to-earth, self while some overzealous parents try to steal the show. It is at times like these when I can learn from my three-year old--who is outgoing, smart, and self-confident, with the perfect amount of eagerness to please. I know Sydney and Miranda will always be their own best advocates, making my anxiety a moot point, my job a lot easier, and my own pride bordering on obnoxious, I know.

Dining Out in Norfolk

Brian and I have Jill to thank for making it to the "dining out" formal dinner last Friday for Brian's new command, the USS Nassau. (And for the photo, which was the only one we got all night, regrettably!)

And we're happy it was really dining "in" as it was pouring outside.



Otherwise, we knew what to expect since we'd been to our first dining out less than two years ago for the hospital command in Japan. We weren't sure if we should expect this one to be a little more traditional than one through a medical command. But it was about the same. Good thing, because my college roommate's husband, Don scared me a little when he described the gross grog he'd experienced, complete with candy bars floating in it--you may imagine what they represented. Our versions (both alcoholic and nonalcoholic) were fruity punches and only alluded to this tradition in that they were served in a child's potty, hopefully one that had never been used.

Spouses are usually not put on the spot to drink from the grog, which is a form of ceremonial public humiliation in jest (a sort of hazing, really, especially since rumor had it the nonalcoholic version tasted particularly nasty). So luckily, I enjoyed sips of table wine and port for the series of formal and informal toasts throughout the night, but Brian finally had to partake of the grog near the end of the evening. Mr. Vice (sort of the MC of the evening) summoned Brian by calling out "Doc!" as he went around the room and singled out the few who hadn't gathered around the grog yet. At least there was strength in numbers. Despite the "Captain Stubing" uniforms, as you can imagine, this is no Love Boat.

Fitting in with "the Real Navy"

In largely general terms, there's the sense in the Navy that people who have worked their way up through the ranks in the "real Navy" look lightly on those who "slid" into officer's jobs easily (like Brian). And even more than that, military and war-related commands seem to exude a VIP attitude over auxiliary commands (those serving the needs of the "real Navy's" family, like Medical).

But who can blame them? The "real Navy" is a tough workplace. Being lower in the chain of command could leave anyone feeling powerless. You earn less money. You get less recognition. You are following the many rules at work and the Navy even has control of many of your actions outside of work. For example, lower enlisted ranks are not allowed to own cars on bases overseas. And, if you're caught in adultury or drinking-related violations, you're kicked out and lose your job (thankfully, this is true for enlisted and officers alike!) Not that I'm condoning these actions, but would your civilian employer even find out and more importantly, would they care if it wasn't happening at work?

Of course the "real Navy" may also include people who have crossed over from enlisted to officer by earning college degrees, usually while working without the carefree luxuries of many typical college students.

Most of the "real Navy" folks commit 20+ years until they retire. This career will yield some recognition slowly but surely as they rise through the ranks, if they keep to the straight and narrow, flying under the radar. They'll earn a pension and full medical benefits for life for their families. They may explore the world as they PCS (Permanent Change of duty Station; it's code for "moving") every 1 to 3 years. It's very admirable that they serve their country with their entire lives, working often in the bowels of ships, deploying in wartime, leaving families behind, even getting wounded (or worse--killed).

But then again, where else would, for example, a shooter or a cryptologist find civilian work? They're stuck in the military with their very military-specific specialties. It's a life that they chose, but somewhere along the way, this life chose them and there is no turning back. They are the "real Navy" whether they like it or not.

But maybe if you only look at things on these general terms, there will always be a "them" and "us" attitude within the Navy. It seems the only way to deal with this undercurrent is to try to ignore it because it is not productive. And then interact with humility and respect on a personal level, which is one of Brian's strong suits. In other words, he's not your typical doctor or your typical "slider."

And if I ever find out there's a spouse's group on Brian's ship, I hope they realize I'm down-to-earth, too. Many great mentors in the COMPASS program (Navy spouses mentoring newer spouses about the military ways of life) have shown me that there is always something other than--and more important than--rank to relate us. Then there's my friend Kathy, who is not your typical Captain's wife, and maybe the best testimony to this is the fact that she's my only friend who's a Captain's wife. But what I admire most about her is the way she mingles with everyone, reaches out to those who need it, and finds something in common. I'm hoping it's a skill and not a gift...so there's hope for me. I know it's too much to ask to find someone like her in Norfolk.

I Can't Keep a Secret

Don't worry friends, I hope you know by now big secrets I can keep. Especially if you tell me not to tell. But the small seemingly harmless ones I find really hard to keep under wraps.

I hear now that Brian's on a ship, we're not allowed to talk about his scheduled (or unscheduled) comings and goings, particularly on the phone or in email. Operational Security. Sounds like a big secret? Maybe. But no one (except the AFN commercial I watched continually for three years in Japan) has told me directly to keep my mouth shut...

Maybe it was in the welcome packet?

As friends and family try to gauge how lonely I am by Brian's schedule, it's putting a real damper in my usual run-of-the-mouth conversations. Not to mention their plans to visit me (or us). And more importantly, the ship's schedule is always changing, so I can't even find out up-to-date information from Brian when he calls or emails while underway.

So, I've decided (at Jill's suggestion) that Brian and I need a secret code. I don't know why I didn't think of it. We'll get right on that. Just please don't ask when--I might tell you. I've already slipped up saying things like, "when Brian's back on Friday," or "see you tomorrow." And then I found myself wondering--someone might be listening to little old me. Imagine that. It might be the only time I've ever hoped not.

Isn't it Ironic?

Now that Brian is immersed more deeply into the real Navy, it's funny to me that I would feel so out of touch with military life while in Norfolk--the largest Navy base on the East Coast.

Coming from Japan, even though we lived off base the whole time, we relied on the base community. I was pleasantly surprised by the close relationships that developed from day one merely because we were thrown together in the same foreign circumstances and needed to help each other. But even though we've lived in Norfolk before, I still don't exactly know how to connect with any military services beyond the PPO (the VIPS in charge of getting your stuff back to you). I can't even seem to find the closest pool.

I feel like trying to blend back into the civilian world since that was my identity last time I lived here. Although I was working full-time and didn't have children for most of those two years. But I am a military spouse, I'm not working, and I can only shop so much with two nagging small children. So, what am I to do with myself?

Unpack. Which will take quite a while.

Then if one presents itself and I can swing it with Brian gone so much, I'd love to have a part-time job as an RD/diabetes educator. But until then, I'm hoping to start by meeting a friend or two in the other moms at Sydney's preschool once it gets started in another month. So far, she's been going occasionally to the summer program there, but everyone's coming and going at different times so I haven't met any other parents.

Anyway, it was at this preschool where I first decided how strange it is to have such an apparent lack of structure (that is, military bureaucracy) in my everyday dealings. First, before Sydney started this casual summer daycare program, I needed no orientation--let alone one only offered at certain inconvenient times. Then, I showed up at 8am Monday without a reservation, which was no problem, and left Sydney until 4pm while the movers were unloading. Finally, I packed her lunch for the day, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, with reckless abandonment for any allergy sufferers.

It is somewhat liberating and refreshing to have some of the restrictions of typical Navy life suddenly lifted, at least in regard to daycare/preschool! But I honestly felt a little unnerved, too. Without an official orientation, I felt like I didn't have enough information about how to prepare Sydney and her things since I didn't ask enough questions, which was confirmed when I showed up without a sheet for the bed at nap time. And maybe it's the dietitian in me, but I actually felt a little worried that someone might have a peanut allergy (not enough to ask about it though, since there are so few things Sydney will eat and I was glad to be able to pack PB&J for her!)

I realize I've come to rely on things being done a certain way in the Navy. And as much as I complain about the rules most times, I stopped today to at least appreciate the dependability they can offer in some times of uncertainty--the world's and mine. Now if I could just get that welcome packet we've requested three times, I'll know how to plug myself into Brian's command.

The Honeymoon is Over

I can't deny it any longer, I am a Navy spouse. For more than five years, I've never really felt like one. Yes, we've been in the Navy all of our married years, but Brian's part of the medical community, which historically is not viewed as the real Navy. Let's face it, the real Navy requires time and sacrifice and we haven't done our share of either yet.

Even living overseas in Japan, we were together as a family all but one month. I realized we were lucky to be enjoying the experience together and counted my blessings, while many of my friends from other commands were alone more often than not. But something tells me these next two years of Brian's ship duty will indoctrinate me into their way of life, if only temporarily (hopefully). And it is because of them and their continual courage that I think I will be able to approach this journey a little more positively.

Let's start with the fact that I am glad to be back in Norfolk and to be able to experience a whole new side of this city--with two children this time. But if you know me, brace yourselves for a few rants now and then--after all, I'll often be a "single" mom with two young children. Who can blame me?